“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane