Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
multitasking lunch
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.