Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
no such thing as a dumb question
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.