Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“i am a sweet baby”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
These 3D printers are insane!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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