Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want