has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
#polloftheday
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Cause of death: Zumba
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.