I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Fiction has to make sense.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
inventing words: clothing
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun