In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Weirdos gonna weird.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about