Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
(Electricians.)
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot