sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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