┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m going to need a moment here.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]