I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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for all #parents out there
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Can’t. Being lazy.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.