OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Help Wanted
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop