Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.