Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day