Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Welcome