A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
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me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
This is my emotional support knife.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
my sentiments exactly
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t