Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I hear you鈥檝e been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I鈥檓 schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
It鈥檚 ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 馃憤
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ME (teaching driver鈥檚 ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald鈥檚, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.