Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Home is where your toilet is.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from