i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
pat pat
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
😂😂
Happy birthday to all the women
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.