My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
You Might Also Like
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.