#polloftheday
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist