Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
12. I think about this all the damn time
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I drew y’all a little something.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?