Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.