An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
You Might Also Like
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe