Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
You Might Also Like
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home