[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
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Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.