I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My dog learned how to text