I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*