You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?