[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Very good! 👍😂
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle