In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
ok this is my dumbest yet
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.