Very good! 👍😂
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!