Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
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When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Real House Wines.