*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Whoa… oh I see lol
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch