Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Vodka burrito was a success
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?