God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars