I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
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My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Breakfast for Stoners:
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm