I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Owl Sanctuary
Match dot com, but for socks.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it