How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
😂🤣😂🤣
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.