How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
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Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.