The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no