Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.