I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️