“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
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Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.