Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.