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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I told my vodka about you.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard