January has been Januweary
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
This hospital has everything
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Girl, same.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.