[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand