*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.